Azu is Talking — A Little Too Personal at the End
Can’t say I didn’t warn ya, alright?
This week, the dental pain I have been updating you about has been decreasing. Slowly but surely. I was able to stop numbing my mouth to fall asleep earlier in the week, so that’s… good? I guess? It’s still hurting, but I see even the smaller of steps as progress, so.
This Creative Monday was… intense, to say the least. Fortunately, the mechanic of this game seems to be coming pretty nicely. Wordy-wise, at least. I easily spent the whole afternoon working on it, seven hours. From late morning to right into the evening, with a long break to prepare and eat lunch (watching a series episode~) and a shorter one to have a coffee.
My eyes were tired of seeing words and I still wanted to try to add something to the [REDACTED] adventure, ’cause that goes whenever I can, remember? And I did, though very little, and my eyes ended up also hurting after that. I still have just a bit more than two weeks left to work on it. Not sure how many words missing just yet. But with just an hour or so to end my working hours, I wasn’t really sure about my odds (I did the add-up with five minutes to spare). Don’t have to rush and worry about it just yet, but the sooner I can end it, the better I will feel. And I always want to feel the better.
That’s not what usually happens on Tuesdays… Particularly this one. When reading a book in which you have 50+ favorite highlighted quotes, Review Tuesday becomes a nightmare.
Read this week’s review, Crossing the Line.
Posting each and every one of those quotes individually (because I want to 😭) is a heavy job. I can try to quell it a bit by listening to music and reading those quotes during the arduous posting to remind myself how much I loved that book, but it still leaves a toll. Especially if after the first massive posting on Tumblr, I’m doing the same on Patreon, repeating it on Ko-fi, and doing it once more on Co-host! Doesn’t surprise me that it took me a whole day. But a whole day trying to post a review was going to easily become a killer instead of a cause of excitement. That’s why I rebranded my Ko-fi and the way I shared the reviews on Co-host! Now it’s a headache, but a headache that takes a slightly less amount of time and leaves me with enough left to try to fix the rest of my day. Or madden me even more, who knows?
Iron Valley, Linney’s Campaign, is being live every Tuesday.
Yeah, kind of that is what I meant. Not only that, though.
I started the day by sharing everywhere I could the second post of Linney’s campaign on Iron Valley. Then I worked on posting the review of the week. All those reviews are from books I read in 2022 and 2023, I haven’t had that much of a reading spur this year mostly because I wanted to slow down and read some books I wanted outside of ARC and Beta picks. It hasn’t worked like that, if I have to be honest, but it’s like I needed the rest. I am still reading (or trying to 😬) for the teams I am already a part of, just took a year’s pause from actively looking and pursuing new teams to apply for.
After that, anyway, I had a really motivating brainstorming session with a trusted friend 💙 (my heart aches for being able not only to say but also believe that I have friends I can trust) that led me to dive for almost six hours on the [REDACTED] adventure. I was satisfied (and oh so tired) for basically finishing it with a little more than two weeks before the deadline (being aware of the time was, is, and will still be jamming my head), but I still have to make a few editions to make it the best I could. I feel so low-key hyped.
Working Wednesday, though, didn’t have much of ‘Working’. I started the day with a power outage and that wrecked my plans, even if they were really not that time or head-consuming. I could have finished with my Collaborative Writing Workshop later on, but I wasn’t feeling it. Had enough of a time figuring out what I was going to eat and how I was going to dive into the darkness of a kitchen I had even in the brightest of hours (and I had, for a change, the brightest of days so far lately). Fortunately, the power came back for a little bit to let me fix my breakfast. And then came back again so I could fix my lunch (really, really thankful for that). It went out for a little bit again when I was prepping my dessert (the first time in a long time, I can get accustomed to that 😏). But so far it held. Still have no idea what happened that day (to warrant the power outage, I mean).
So, when I finally was able to settle, it was already time for the coffee break (sacred, do not disturb), and I felt so out of sync that I just made some last-minute editions and called it a day. I added a few more things to my schedule (’cause I just remembered), but so far it could have totally gone as an UnPlanned Resting Day. I took a book from my small, brand-new, growing, personal library collection and read for hours. I don’t remember when was the last time I read a physical book I physically held in my physical hands (my last birthday doesn’t count because the book wasn’t mine yet and I was in a bookstore 👀), so it was nice. Now I just have to finish it. Preferably before the end of the month. Hopefully more on that next week 🤞
Backstage Thursday was… backstaging, ba dum tss 🥁 I did an orderly move of tasks to help me manage a bit better few certain things outside my thematic days. Like an edition I had to start because of me getting into a new project… as an editor. It took me longer than I expected, but I had so much fun starting to dive in there and I’m loving a lot the setting and the concepts and I’m into the idea that my ‘boss’ is such an easy-going person, it will be hella fun to work with them. I did my scheduled task as well, and also had to reject a possible paid project because I didn’t find myself fit enough for it. Mature decisions. I’m growing way so fast 🥺
I also found a solo TTRPG game I could playtest the week after next. I know I ‘should’ have finished the previous one by now, but life happened. Anyhow, I’m happy and excited for the new game. I really can’t wait. I’m surprisingly content as well with the subjects I was able to grab for my incoming semester. I had to withdraw all of them last semester, so I wasn’t sure how things were going to go on this one, but I even found a virtual class! It’s the best of the best of what I can get. I will totally talk a lot more about my college life after the semester starts in three weeks anyway, so let’s wait until then.
On Secret Friday, though, I was not having it. I woke up in a m o o d, that much I noticed. Last week I signed up as a player for an incoming charity weekend stream to raise funds for medical aid for Palestine by playing TTRPG games. I woke up that day overthinking the help I could give as a player with my need for accommodations. If I haven’t said it yet, I’m hard of hearing and that is such a Big Thing™ in my life… at least for me. All the session zeros and games seemed to be taking place on voice channels on Discord, and Discord doesn’t have yet closed captions integrated (w h y?!). The session zero for a game I wanted to play was taking place that day, so my mood wasn’t helping. It was pushing me to just withdraw altogether, not wanting to be a bother by switching the calls to Google Meets, which could be a problem during a live stream if none of us had a paid account cause Google would be kicking us out every hour. For a game of at least three hours. I… I wasn’t having it.
Fortunately, it did not have a grasp of me. The session zero was held on Google Meets, and the organizer said we would have an account with a Google free trial, so it shouldn’t be able to cut us out during the stream. I had a lot of fun meeting the cast and was glad of hadn’t listened to my head. Now I can formally invite you to accompany us from August 2nd to August 4th on Desis & Dragons’ Twitch channel, we will be playing a lot of games with huge diverse casts for such an amazing cause.
Still on that same Secret Friday, I was also having sad feelings, finding an article in my inbox that very morning that started like this:
Living with hearing loss impacts every aspect of my life. It shapes how I communicate, navigate the world, and connect (or, more often, don’t connect) with others.
During Disability Pride month, I find myself thinking lately about unexpected support — the small, impactful ways people have shown up and advocated on my behalf when I couldn’t.
There’s my wife, of course, who helps translate basically everywhere we go, and who’s learning ASL with me so we can communicate a little easier.
As I said, I was having feelings, and I was already a filled well, so I was overflowing. That start hit me somewhere and thought about approaching the author, Anna Pulley, but I was at a loss for words.
I tried to do things that day, but nothing (apart from the session zero) seemed to be working for me, so, understandably so, I just let it be. My partner spent a lot of time with me and, after the session, we had our coffee break (I started having coffee breaks thanks to him) and a few hours watching a series.
I partly knew what I was feeling, so when I didn’t wake up on Playful Saturday feeling better, it didn’t surprise me. It took me a while to figure out what it was though, but after the first harsh wave, I noticed there is only one thing able to destroy me completely overnight. The hormones were shifting to prepare for the period.
What’s the problem with it? The feelings, thoughts, and emotions I have been feeling for the last decade around the hormones have been extremely radical. I don’t consider myself an impulsive person… in this sort of thing, at least, but the intensity that overcomes me has been huge enough to scare me. Of myself. For myself. I’ve been fighting depression all my life and earlier with this I noticed it is something that affects greatly my style of life. Very few people believe me, not the ones who could help me do something about it though. Yet. So it hasn’t been funny.
After communicating with my partner, he decided it best to keep me in his line of sight. So dear friends I also kept in the loop were checking on me. I felt a prisoner of my own body (though this happens often and not only because of this particular matter) and a hostage of my own mind. I made the smarter move, but it was a difficult day.
Reaching the evening, my partner started looking for activities to actively distract me. We ended up playing a few (many) puzzles from Baba is You. It was highly stimulating and I ended up deeply engrossed, so much so that when he had to leave me to spend time with his family, I shifted the attention toward the TTRPG game I’m playing. Instead of the four parts I used to go over in the previous weeks, I was only able to focus through one and a half of another, but so far that was more than I expected to do that day. Depending on how this new week goes, I may or may not finish this first campaign there. I’m excited.
The excitement doesn’t break through this mood that’s bringing me down, but now that I recognized it, it’s slightly easier to fight it. Just slightly. Being able to differentiate when something comes from you and when it comes from the liar you have as a brain makes it all a bit less strenuous. And, sometimes, that’s all you need.
I’m only playing in one game so far next weekend, but nonetheless, I hope to see you there. Until next week 💙
