Azu is Talking — Tireless Tiredness

What can I even say? Life is riding a tiredness after the next. At least to me, that’s what it’s been, and I’m pretty tired, all right?

Mondays aren’t being Creative anymore and I’m not sure how to fix it… yet.

My Monday classes finally started and being fifty-something students, my professor decided to just give one hour or one hour and a half top of classes instead of the assigned three hours because we are too many cramped in a small classroom. And, I swear, the Goddess blesses her.

I don’t exactly learn with her teaching method and while she was explaining it I was already mussing how to leave the classroom without calling much attention, but then I was into the assistant’s work group and maybe it won’t be that bad? I mean, the assistant has to be up to everything and my biggest fear is not being able to follow up, so maybe it could help? I don’t want to waste my efforts and the university hasn’t been helpful with my circumstances, at all, so when something is not working, or for whatever other reason, I just don’t fight it. I’m tired enough already. I have to choose my battles. But this one seemed to go positively? I ended it fired up for the next class and am glad it won’t go the whole hours, with the semester’s schedule in the pocket, it might not be that horrible. Even though I dislike her teaching ways. Maybe I will survive. We will see.

I had to go back to the photo place and when I explained to them why, they didn’t charge me for the new photo. Which took me by surprise. I was pretty grateful and speechless, they insisted that if the photos continued showing problems, to give them a call and they would help me figure it out, and I found that extremely sweet and professional. But for every nice person, there’s a handful of bad ones.

The subway’s staff recharging my card was mean and rude.

Two consecutively bus drivers refused to stop at the bus stop!

I was dead tired already, the world is too noisy for my hearing loss, and being cramped with fifty-something people made it too hot for my body. All the interactions of that day had me overwhelmed, and I was also with the pre-hormones. Too much is too much. So I took the first vehicle that would take me back home.

During the wait for it, though, I decided I could send the photo so I would have an answer for the moment I were reaching home. I checked in the way and they rejected it again! I was so over the limit that I dared to answer them — I swear, even with all the mood I had drowning me, I wasn’t awful. I most likely sounded like a very tired and stressed person. ’Cause I was very tired and stressed with that matter already. I can’t still understand why they asked me to redo the photo again. It was so stupid.

I was on the brink of crying. I teared up a bit after getting off at my stop and while heading home, even though I just wanted to lay on the ground and just stay there. I was that tired. I reached home and I curled up, going non-verbal for hours. I didn’t recover that day. I tried, we –with my partner– tried, and the aftereffect was just too big. The migraine was paralyzing, everything was bothering me, and I just wanted to turn myself off.

I have been in that state more times than I would like and it’s always terrible. It still dragged on Review Tuesday. I was dizzy, trembling, and with what was left of the headache for the whole day. Because of that, everything went slow for me.

I deliberately took time to read ’cause on Mondays I just can’t, and that helped me take off the rough start of the day. I dutifully did my tasks, even though it took me the whole day.

Read this week’s review, A World Without Princes.

I started scheduling posts from my Personal Campaign in Iron Valley and it touched some strings… I talk more about it in the backstage post on Patreon (it’s free!), so if you’re interested in it, don’t forget to head off there in like… three weeks!

Iron Valley, Linney’s Campaign, is being live every Tuesday.

I relaxed a bit with my partner during our coffee break, even though my hearing was off after the previous day’s shenanigans. But I was finally cooling down.

That’s definitely not how I want the days to go by. Taking days to recover from one activity. Being disabled and chronically ill don’t pair up nicely. And that’s not adding the hormones’ weight, mental issues, physical issues, and the like. I’m just… I was just… Tired, y’know?

Didn’t seem enough.

On Working Wednesday, I just was able to start uploading the workshops in English. I didn’t finish even one. We had previously agreed, on the weekend, that my sister and I would visit my lil sis at her job so she (or a workmate) would take our photos for the passport, but we had to go around her closing hours. I started working late because I was still regulating (and receiving the first brunt of the period, not so bad just yet), so I had to leave that hanging and rush (just a bit) my coffee break with my partner.

In the end, all that effort for the passport’s staff to reject our photos, again. I decided to brush it off for my mental health and take the photo place from Monday to their word. Calling them, though, was something I didn’t want to do (too overwhelmed and over the limit to call anywhere), so I will be visiting again on Monday. Hopefully they will be able to help. I’m just so really done with this, sadly I have to go through it until the end.

So I… took a deep breath. I can’t deal with what I can’t control, so let’s focus on what I can.

I sent my CV to a place looking for editors (at my temporarily destined place). I spent time with my partner to destress — at least until he had to go have dinner with his family. And we came back together after my dinner to go through our weekly ASL lesson. He’s picking it up, I’m proud. He’s not practicing it during our daily talks though, but we have to start somewhere.

Backstage Thursday was the bloody day and I was barely holding it. Decidedly The Unplanned Resting Day™. Not completely ’cause I had my first English class (I can’t believe I have survived to reach level 5), which was the introduction and to show us how the stuff will be going, but that was mostly it. My partner is a professor now as well, so after he came back from his afternoon face-to-face class, we had our coffee and I was there to watch him take charge of his virtual class.

I have been in talks with my [REDACTED] adventure’s boss for the next (and possibly last?) revision. Two weeks to deliver, haven’t started yet, but I did start getting anxious about it. I saw his feedback and for a second there was about to accept his offer — I was honest upfront and told him about how messy was everything being to me and he asked me if I wanted him to apply his feedback and let me accept it, but that way I’m not going to grow under his care, would I? It was such a nice deal, but details. I want to do my own job until the very end. Unless I can’t, obviously, but maybe I can, so for as long as I see the slight possibility of me ending it, I will do my best. Not that my best had helped me much lately, but whatever.

Secret Friday was a bit more motivating. I took a small break and spent the day dealing with the insight of my most recent ARC to send to the author and worked on the review. I still have to post it on the most necessary and “urgent” platforms, but it took some pressure off my shoulders ’cause I have to read two other books before September 20th if I want to be on time for the next ARC’s release. I don’t have to rush it and be on time, posting reviews around the release day is still as helpful, but… I genuinely have no idea how I managed to go through my reading schedule just fine last year and the year before that one, I had one ARC about to release after the next and I flowed through them smoothly. I hate when I can so explicitly see the changes. I’m more tired. I’m doing a lot more things. I can barely handle it. I’m tired.

I had more time with my partner ’cause we’re going through… stuff. Nice stuff. Good stuff. Too early to share yet, but having someone capable of dispelling your fears is so… are there even words to describe it? But have you noticed already that I love spending time with my partner? Well, I do. And as those moments are probably the best part of my days, they definitely have to come here as well. Brace yourself. And if not, well, suck it up.

As Playful Saturday rolled in, I noticed I had gone through this week’s tasks slower than “usual”. Lots of things, lots of pain, lots of lots. Can’t the world stop for a second? I need to regain focus.

I started the first of the two books I have to read, like, the whole hour I used to read before. When reading was a daily thing I didn’t have to fight to keep. Last year. I mean, I finished the previous ARC — I sped it up — by reading more than I wanted, like whole sections, which consisted of five chapters each, roughly forty to fifty pages when my top was mostly thirty. I was grateful I was into the book, there’s no other way I could have made it. So now I’m back to my morning mandatory reading hour — don’t start stopping my reading unless the hourly mark is approaching. And was refreshing for once, not rushing my morning routine because my morning routine is reading. At least every day but Mondays for the rest of the year –or until I withdraw the subject if I decide to do that. This book has been out for a long while already, I didn’t feel interested until the second came around (is the one releasing in September), and I already got the biggest spoiler with the samples so I know where the first book is leading, and still it managed to be a fresh air. That should say a lot — maybe the only thing it says is that I needed to slow down for once, but I will take it nonetheless.

I didn’t play, but I finished all I wanted to have ready to send to the author and I sent it to the author. Something to take off my list finally. I don’t only have the next game I want to play ready (since weeks ago), I also have a new one in playtesting beta (I don’t believe I will finish it before the playtesting ends, but I want to play it anyway), so I have the Saturdays covered for a little while.

Today, though, I’m celebrating with my partner (he’s busy for a few hours, so he will have to wait for me to post this before anything else as a punishment) our eight months together. We’re starting this month with exciting news about our relationship and some new plans to tie and ground so they can happen without a notch, but we still have months to go to see them take place. One step at a time.

For now, I will take a little while to rest. The least I deserve after this week just before it all starts over again as if it were just a rinse and repeat. I can’t hate something more than a rinse and repeat. Let’s try to break that pattern, yeah? I will do my best.